nostalgia

another entry meant for facebook but then put here because it feels more personal. also the first piece of personal writing that is on this blog:

i suppose all the recent notes i've read about how people feel are somewhat responsible for putting me in this mood. melancholy and nostalgic. wistful.

on a hot summer afternoon, i got home with nothing much to do. watch an episode of six feet under, finish that dick francis book...

i went through the write-ups from senior year in high school, as i tend to do when i feel a little lost. to go back to the last time when i felt centred and sure of life? i read all the goodbye wishes and marveled at how some things change so much and so unexpectedly, and how some other things remain surprisingly the same. all the love in those messages was genuine and is probably all still there. the messages were full of hope, for the recipient, for me. full of a bright future and big smiles. but we had oh so little faith in us, in our friendships, in our not letting go of each other. each message was a goodbye of sorts. an account of times shared, with the total summed up at the end.

instead of elevation and reassurance, i was left with a feeling of yearning. it felt a little as though i had to leave the authors of those messages, typos and all, behind over again. leave and never look back. at least try. some people you take with you. some others drift off along the way. is leaving better than being left behind? how many times can you leave, before you run out of places to go, the will to pack up, the strength to start anew with a smile on your face? how far can you go before you find yourself where you started?

so many mixed feelings. one thought leads to another without any pattern. things to figure out, big and small, old and new. life is frustrating with them, but would be so boring without them, no?

"oyle uzak ki yerim...

..uzaklari asiyor. Butun ozlediklerim benden ayri yasiyor." Bu sarkiyi dinliyorum simdi. Neyse, daha fazla birsey soylemek istemiyorum.

Hayat cok ayni, yeni birseyler olmadi Ingiltere'den geldigimden beri. Isten bahsetmek istemiyorum, cok bunaliyorum. Tezimden bahsettigimde de konusacagima uzerinde calissam ya diyorum, yine bunaliyorum.

Hava cok kotu burada. Hep yagmurlu, hep kapali. Serin de degil, sicak da degil. Evde oturmaktan baska yapacak birsey yok. Hep griydi bugun, hep kapali. Sabahtan beri odamdaki isik acik. Basak'la disari ciktik, islanmasak da nemlenip geldik.

Dun 4 temmuzdu. Yani burada bagimsizlik gunu. Havai fisek patlatmak bu ulkede yasak, sadece 4 temmuzda izin veriliyor. O yuzden de havai fisekleri izlemek buyuk bir olay. Biz de dun gittik, izledik. Hayalkirikligina ugradik acikcasi. Ben Istanbul'dayken bazen balkondan rastgele gordugum havai fisekler bile bunlardan daha etkileyici. Sekil bile yapmamislardi, o kadar yani.

Sarkinin baska sozlerini de yazayim bari:

öyle uzak ki yerim
uzakları aşıyor
bütün özlediklerim
benden ayrı yaşıyor

ya her şeyim ya hiçim
sorma dünyam ne biçim
bir kördüğüm ki içim
çözdükçe dolaşıyor