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mutsuzum. bir turlu tam olarak cozemedigim bir tatminsizlik var. huzursuzluk. ne eksik, ne yapmam lazim bilemiyorum. atlattigimi sandigim takintilar, kucuk endiseler geri geliveriyor bazen. o zaman hic ilerleyememis, bos yere kendi etrafimda donmusum gibi hissediyorum.

son zamanlarda biri bana nasilsin, ne var ne yok diye sorunca verecek cevap bulamiyorum mesela. cunku yeni birsey yok hayatimda. son konustugumuzdan beri degisen hic. bir. sey. yok. oyle degil tabi, oyle olmamasi lazim. tezimi bir turlu bitiremiyorum. cok utaniyorum kendimden, inanamiyorum. oturup da yazamiyorum bir turlu. ne kadar cok failledigimi anlayacaklar, ne kadar geride oldugumu farkedecekler diye kimseye de soyleyemiyorum tam olarak ne yaptigimi. of ne kadar fena. ama guzel seyler de oluyor tabi.

mesela amerika'daki baskanlik secimlerini cok yakindan takip ettim bu sefer. butun munazaralari izledim, her gun obama'yla ilgili birseyler okudum gazetelerden, herkes gibi ben de sarah palin'e sastim sastim sastim, SNL'de dalga gecilmesine guldum. Tina Fey'e hayran oldum. 30 rock'u bayilarak izledim. Daha bir bayilarak The Wire'in ilk dort sezonunu izledim. (Ne kadar guzel, izlemesi keyifli, derin ve saglam hikayesi olan bir dizi oldugunu burada anlatamam, oturup izlemeniz lazim.) 5. sezonunu izlemedim henuz, tezimi bitirince oturup izleyecem.

gecen haftasonu uzun bir sureden sonra ilk defa new york'a gittim. iyi geldi tabii ki. ben cok seviyorum new york'ta olmayi. kendimi cok rahat, cok hakim hissediyorum. cuma aksami cadilar bayramiydi. sokaklar turlu turlu kostum giymis insanlarla doluydu. bayram gunu istiklal'de yurumek gibi birseydi christopher streetde yurumek. cumartesi gunu amrit'le bir bira festivaline gittik. yaklasik 60 tane biranin tadina baktik. ne lezzetli biralar var! unibrou biralarini cok begendim. biraz pahali diger bira markalarina gore ama icmesi cok keyifli.

bir tower trip icin maine'e gittim 2 aksamligina bir de. sonbaharda buralar cook guzel oluyor, maine de muthisti. irmagin kiyisinda bir evde kaldik, bir aksam suyun kenarinda ates yaktik (ama kimse gitar calmadi).

bir de sonunda araba kullanmayi ogreniyorum! permitimi 1 ay once falan aldim. simdi de 1-2 arkadasin arabasini kullaniyorum ara ara. hala cok geriliyorum kullanirken ama giderek daha cok alisiyorum. bir de arabam olunca istedigim zaman cikip istedigim yere gidebilecegim fikri cok garip geliyor bana. butun planlarini otobus saatlerine ya da diger insanlara gore yapan biri icin ne ozgurluk!

2-3 haftadir odami hic toparlamiyorum, bir de havalar sogudu, kisliklara gecmek lazim. saat simdi 12, ama bu isi bitirmeden yatarsam bir daha ne zaman zaman ayirip yaparim bilmiyorum. sonra da dus alip, kitabimi okuyup uyurum.

of evet, tezim konusunda cok tembel ve sorumsuz davrandigim icin sanirim bu huzursuzluk. su son yazdigim cumle bile bana keyif vermedi.

nostalgia

another entry meant for facebook but then put here because it feels more personal. also the first piece of personal writing that is on this blog:

i suppose all the recent notes i've read about how people feel are somewhat responsible for putting me in this mood. melancholy and nostalgic. wistful.

on a hot summer afternoon, i got home with nothing much to do. watch an episode of six feet under, finish that dick francis book...

i went through the write-ups from senior year in high school, as i tend to do when i feel a little lost. to go back to the last time when i felt centred and sure of life? i read all the goodbye wishes and marveled at how some things change so much and so unexpectedly, and how some other things remain surprisingly the same. all the love in those messages was genuine and is probably all still there. the messages were full of hope, for the recipient, for me. full of a bright future and big smiles. but we had oh so little faith in us, in our friendships, in our not letting go of each other. each message was a goodbye of sorts. an account of times shared, with the total summed up at the end.

instead of elevation and reassurance, i was left with a feeling of yearning. it felt a little as though i had to leave the authors of those messages, typos and all, behind over again. leave and never look back. at least try. some people you take with you. some others drift off along the way. is leaving better than being left behind? how many times can you leave, before you run out of places to go, the will to pack up, the strength to start anew with a smile on your face? how far can you go before you find yourself where you started?

so many mixed feelings. one thought leads to another without any pattern. things to figure out, big and small, old and new. life is frustrating with them, but would be so boring without them, no?

"oyle uzak ki yerim...

..uzaklari asiyor. Butun ozlediklerim benden ayri yasiyor." Bu sarkiyi dinliyorum simdi. Neyse, daha fazla birsey soylemek istemiyorum.

Hayat cok ayni, yeni birseyler olmadi Ingiltere'den geldigimden beri. Isten bahsetmek istemiyorum, cok bunaliyorum. Tezimden bahsettigimde de konusacagima uzerinde calissam ya diyorum, yine bunaliyorum.

Hava cok kotu burada. Hep yagmurlu, hep kapali. Serin de degil, sicak da degil. Evde oturmaktan baska yapacak birsey yok. Hep griydi bugun, hep kapali. Sabahtan beri odamdaki isik acik. Basak'la disari ciktik, islanmasak da nemlenip geldik.

Dun 4 temmuzdu. Yani burada bagimsizlik gunu. Havai fisek patlatmak bu ulkede yasak, sadece 4 temmuzda izin veriliyor. O yuzden de havai fisekleri izlemek buyuk bir olay. Biz de dun gittik, izledik. Hayalkirikligina ugradik acikcasi. Ben Istanbul'dayken bazen balkondan rastgele gordugum havai fisekler bile bunlardan daha etkileyici. Sekil bile yapmamislardi, o kadar yani.

Sarkinin baska sozlerini de yazayim bari:

öyle uzak ki yerim
uzakları aşıyor
bütün özlediklerim
benden ayrı yaşıyor

ya her şeyim ya hiçim
sorma dünyam ne biçim
bir kördüğüm ki içim
çözdükçe dolaşıyor

in reverse chronological order

As I was making my way back to Amherst today, I was writing this entry in my head. For some reason - maybe because I was coming back from England - it came out in English. I was going to post this on facebook, but, strangely enough, this feels more personal.

I was in England for 5 days. (photos here) It feels as though I was gone for much much longer though. I went to a foreign country on my own, not meeting up with anyone at the airport, not really meeting up with anyone until Duran came home on Friday actually, for the very first time. I've been saying how I should travel alone and see what that's like and this was my chance. First, I made my way from the airport in London to Bristol. While you're in an airport, it doesn't feel like you're in a different country, they are all pretty much the same and it's hard to get lost. On the way out of the airport, on the bus, everything seemed a little fascinating, worth looking at, worth wondering about. I was really tired though, so I slept for most of the way. I also discovered that my phone doesn't work at all outside of the US and it can't even keep up the time when it's turned off. Bristol is a small but nice city. There is a good bus system and bike paths. I went to the city centre, the area called Clifton where there is a university and also a famous suspension bridge which I did not get to see. I had a great time walking around, looking at stores, getting something to eat and figuring out where the bus stops were.

On Thursday, I had my interview. It definitely didn't go bad, but I can't figure out if there was anything that indicated that it went really well, either. I really like the people and I already knew that I like the company, so there's a good chance that it will work out in the end.

After the interview, I went to London and found Duran's apartment all by myself (!). He'd left his keys with the porter, so I found him and let myself in. Then I went out, bought a map of London and made my way to the British Museum. Which wasn't very hard because Duran lives a block away from it. Literally! He must have the most central apartment that I've ever seen in my life. After that, I went to the National Portrait Gallery. There were some amazing portraits there. I would have stayed longer but I was feeling tired and hungry so I went back to Duran's apartment. In the evening, we met up with some of his friends and went to play bowling. This is always so much fun to me.Before that, he gave me a very fast tour of the area where he lives. We walked around LSE buildings, Covent Gardens and a bunch of other places that I can't remember right now. That evening made me realize that I've become very American though. I was expecting to get dinner at around 7 the latest! We ended up sitting down to dinner around 9:30 and the whole affair must have lasted close to 2 hours. We ate at this really nice Moroccan restaurant where you can also get hookahs. Onur joined us there and we went back to Duran's apartment.

Saturday, we went to visit Mrs. Watson in her village, Sandridge. We had a great time. We caught up and of course reminisced about the old days. I was feeling kind of sick in the evening so we stayed at home and I tried my hand at guitar hero. I suck, of course, but I can see how it can be very addictive.

And now, I'm back in Amherst, exhausted and still a little sick. It feels good to be back though. Also, I can't wait to go back to London and do all the touristy things that I didn't get to do this time.